I've been too upset to finish part two as of late. I think it's the damned hormones, because I have been very prickly of late. Kinda like my cactus. Except right now, he is nicer and more loving than I am. Maybe it's too much candy, or the fact that I'm stuck in my house all day because I can't afford to go anywhere else or even want to go anywhere else. I have zero motivation to do anything lately. I have a gig where I babysit for a family a few times a week. I babysat Monday and was supposed to babysit tonight, but they cancelled it. Meh.
I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut, nowhere near my life's plan, and not getting near it either. I hate Utah, I want to get the hell out of here. I'm so sick of the religious crap that I just can't get away from. Yeah, people are like "well then leave if you don't like it," screw you people! I never CHOSE to come here, and I sure as hell am not CHOOSING to stay! It's not like I can just get up one day and leave. I have nowhere else to go! I have no job, no money, no one to stay with until I get back up on my feet. I know I've been knocked down on my ass and am still on my ass right now, but the people I'm staying with are nice to even let me be here. Anyways, everytime people start talking about religion, my hands shake and I get super mad, and look for an excuse to not get involved in the conversation. Truth is ugly. It wouldn't be so bad, but they try so freaking hard to hide it, that when it does come out, people are like "I've been duped!" That's how I felt. That's still how I feel. I believe God doesn't want us to all be under a 'yoke' for our whole lives. A constant pressure to 'be good' and 'be examples' and blah blah blah. Yeah, be decent, of course, but don't be self righteous! Don't be all "ooh look at me, I'm following the commandments and all the rest of you who aren't are going to hell." Screw that. I can get along with almost everybody, because I know when to keep my mouth shut, and I can be a tactful person (for the most part anyway...) but do not push your crap on me. Just because I WAS religious once doesn't mean I still AM. I didn't choose to be a part of a religion. I didn't choose to come here to stupid Utah.
Anyway, I'm going to go hit some people because I am in that kind of mood. Sorry if anyone feels like I'm attacking them. I'm not. I'm just venting because I am frustrated.
10.25.2009
Not Yet Ready For Part 2...
Even though I have alot to write about, pertaining to my last post subject, it's been extremely hard for me to collect my thoughts so I don't sound like a raving lunatic. Last night I was able to talk to Jessie about it in a calm, collected manner and he suggested I just do bullet points. I will be working on that idea as soon as I can. It's an easier way to present my case with all the information I've been collecting the past month (and a half? I can't even remember...) so that post will be up as soon as it is finished.
The past two nights I've been learning how to play Pinochle with Jessie's family (that's their game that they play all the time when they get together) and it's very confusing, but less so now that Jessie's mom hasn't been using God and Jesus and Heavenly Father to compare the face cards to. All that mormon stuff just confuses the hell out of the game. But I like it, and Jessie has been learning too. It has been very fun and I love him to pieces.
Speaking of, he finally got a job this week! Dump truck driving! So lucky him gets to go play in the dirt all day while I stay at home and look for a job still. I've been out of work since May, and I've been working my ass off trying to get a freaking job. It is extremely frustrating. How can I get a head start on my damn life when I can't get a job? I can't do anything unless I have money. I'm glad Jessie has a job, it will help alot, and I did get an extension on my unemployment, so at least I'm bringing in a little bit every week. But I freaking need a job.
Well, I'm off to go work on stuff, so... Bye!
The past two nights I've been learning how to play Pinochle with Jessie's family (that's their game that they play all the time when they get together) and it's very confusing, but less so now that Jessie's mom hasn't been using God and Jesus and Heavenly Father to compare the face cards to. All that mormon stuff just confuses the hell out of the game. But I like it, and Jessie has been learning too. It has been very fun and I love him to pieces.
Speaking of, he finally got a job this week! Dump truck driving! So lucky him gets to go play in the dirt all day while I stay at home and look for a job still. I've been out of work since May, and I've been working my ass off trying to get a freaking job. It is extremely frustrating. How can I get a head start on my damn life when I can't get a job? I can't do anything unless I have money. I'm glad Jessie has a job, it will help alot, and I did get an extension on my unemployment, so at least I'm bringing in a little bit every week. But I freaking need a job.
Well, I'm off to go work on stuff, so... Bye!
10.17.2009
The Journey Towards My Independence From Religion, Part 1.
So for years and years I've been struggling with the whole 'religion' thing. I don't recommend living in Utah County unless you are a SuperMormon. Meaning if you want to go along on your own path, DON'T MOVE THERE unless you like being tormented by psycho religious people. Or you're a duck, and let everything roll off your back. I envy you if you are. I struggled immensely throughout my whole teenagerhood, always feeling guilty about things; feeling like however hard I tried, God would never love me; and feeling like I was a failure to my dad. Like nothing I ever did on my own was good enough, and to please him, I had to do what he wanted me to do. I felt like everyone was always watching me, ready to turn me in to my parents and my bishop for every wrong step I took. Nothing like the fear of Eternal Salvation to put a damper on already tough adolescence. When I was 15 and a sophomore in High School, I went into a deep depression and stopped giving a rat's ass (as best I could) about what people said about me. But my dad was always there to torment me- "You can get better grades than that!" and "Stop being so lazy" and "Why can't you take the sacrament?" and the list goes on and on. I almost committed suicide one day, I remember it vividly. My mom was the one who stopped me. She tried so hard to keep peace in the house. My dad was like a freakin child, with his temper tantrums and never being pleased with anyone. Especially me, and my mom.
Anyway, I hated living in that stuffy judgemental box called Alpine, and I could not WAIT to get the hell out of there. I moved to Lehi on the day of my 18th birthday. After 3 weeks, I moved all the way to Crackville- I mean, uh, Magna. There, you could wear tank tops and say 'damn' out loud in the store and you fit right in. I quit going to church and haven't been since. And I never will go back. So anyway, I started living my life the way I wanted to, and it's been pretty swell. When I met Jessie, my life took a drastic turn for the better. I've gained 30 pounds in just one year of dating him. It's almost been two years now, but I've stayed at that same 30 pounds heavier than normal for about a year now. But, I digress.
Most of his family are devout Mormon. We live in his mom's basement, and of course she's tried to get us to go to church. I plain won't go, and he won't either. We just don't believe that it's true. The tithing thing blows our minds, and the whole 'temple secrecy' is dumb. I had come to the conclusion that hey, religion is for people who are insecure and want to be labeled. I don't need that. By insecure I mean.... like confused, or just like how easy it is to be told how to be if you want to go to 'heaven'. A sheep, if you will. I can't stand being told what to do, and I hate being lied to. That being said, the book that brought my previous religious views (mormonism) to question was a book by one of my favorite authors.
I do this thing now where if I like a certain person's book, I'll go read everything else they wrote. For example, I love everything Dan Brown has written. He is the one who wrote "Angels and Demons." In high school, I read "Into Thin Air," by Jon Krakauer. It immediately became one of my favorite books. Well, just a few months ago, I was at the library and decided to see what other books he had written. The only one they had was one called "Under the Banner of Heaven." So I checked it out, and started reading it. And damn. That book was my first eye opener to how crazy the Mormon religion really is.
Yes, the book is written about the Fundamentalist Latter-day Saints. But they were the same church as the COJCOLDS up until about John Taylor's time. They split when Taylor decided that polygamy could no longer be practiced in the church. The reason was all political. The government did not approve of polygamy. Brigham had told them to shove their bibles up their asses, pretty much. But Taylor saw no reason to make things harder for the "saints" than they already were. Anyway, the Fundamentalists saw this as blasphemy, that God had told them to do the polygamy thing, and they split from the regular LDS and started their own thing. Previous to that, however, mormons and fundamentalists share the same history. When I was reading about the unabridged version of the mormon history, I thought it was a lie. Which is what the mormons teach you. Anything that doesn't include the sun shining out of their leader's ass is considered blasphemy and a load of crap. Hmm. Doesn't that flash a red flag? It didn't for me, at first. But then I thought about it. What did Mr. Krakauer have to gain by lying about the church? He was not religious, but he made it also clear that he was just reporting the facts, in a very ambiguous way. So I trusted him. Everything he said, it made sense to me. It filled in the gaps that are as prevalent in the mormon religion as a hillbilly's smile. As I read about why Joseph was tarred and feathered, why he was even in Carthage Jail, why the mobs were so angry, why Emma tried for so long but then left the church, and about the settling of the pioneers in the West and the Mountain Meadows Massacre, it all started to make sense.
Oh, but it was not easy, no way. It took me a long time to finish that book. I felt betrayed. That is the only word I can use to describe how I felt about my leaders that I had trusted my whole life. The lies that I had believed my whole life. Up until that moment, I just didn't plain like the church, but the leaders could be on their merry way; I thought Joseph and Brigham were good people; and I think aspects of them were. But not very many. What do you do when you find out you were duped your whole life? And the worst part being, what else haven't they told us? I also knew it would be hard to even talk about these things with most people, because they will fight until their dying breath to parrot "the church is true!" like they have been taught since childhood. Since nursery, for crying out loud. People will label you as an 'apostate', which is the worst label you can get from this religion. A one way ticket to hell. Or outer darkness.
I had been doubting for a long time the beliefs and traditions of the church. It seemed like there was always something missing. I dreaded church and bishop meetings. It brings the questions, "How can something that is supposed to make your life happy, make living so miserable? How come Utah is the number one state for depression? How come Utah keeps Prozac in business?" I had an inkling, but I never knew how far the hole had been dug, and then covered. So that was the beginning of one of the biggest shakedowns in my life. Betrayal, anger, disbelief crowded my mind for a long time. After I read the book, (which I really did enjoy, regardless) I stopped thinking about it. Everytime I thought about church, or any church related thing, I got angry and shaky and sick to my stomach. That's the point where most people say they've had enough, but me, I was only just getting started.
Anyway, I hated living in that stuffy judgemental box called Alpine, and I could not WAIT to get the hell out of there. I moved to Lehi on the day of my 18th birthday. After 3 weeks, I moved all the way to Crackville- I mean, uh, Magna. There, you could wear tank tops and say 'damn' out loud in the store and you fit right in. I quit going to church and haven't been since. And I never will go back. So anyway, I started living my life the way I wanted to, and it's been pretty swell. When I met Jessie, my life took a drastic turn for the better. I've gained 30 pounds in just one year of dating him. It's almost been two years now, but I've stayed at that same 30 pounds heavier than normal for about a year now. But, I digress.
Most of his family are devout Mormon. We live in his mom's basement, and of course she's tried to get us to go to church. I plain won't go, and he won't either. We just don't believe that it's true. The tithing thing blows our minds, and the whole 'temple secrecy' is dumb. I had come to the conclusion that hey, religion is for people who are insecure and want to be labeled. I don't need that. By insecure I mean.... like confused, or just like how easy it is to be told how to be if you want to go to 'heaven'. A sheep, if you will. I can't stand being told what to do, and I hate being lied to. That being said, the book that brought my previous religious views (mormonism) to question was a book by one of my favorite authors.
I do this thing now where if I like a certain person's book, I'll go read everything else they wrote. For example, I love everything Dan Brown has written. He is the one who wrote "Angels and Demons." In high school, I read "Into Thin Air," by Jon Krakauer. It immediately became one of my favorite books. Well, just a few months ago, I was at the library and decided to see what other books he had written. The only one they had was one called "Under the Banner of Heaven." So I checked it out, and started reading it. And damn. That book was my first eye opener to how crazy the Mormon religion really is.
Yes, the book is written about the Fundamentalist Latter-day Saints. But they were the same church as the COJCOLDS up until about John Taylor's time. They split when Taylor decided that polygamy could no longer be practiced in the church. The reason was all political. The government did not approve of polygamy. Brigham had told them to shove their bibles up their asses, pretty much. But Taylor saw no reason to make things harder for the "saints" than they already were. Anyway, the Fundamentalists saw this as blasphemy, that God had told them to do the polygamy thing, and they split from the regular LDS and started their own thing. Previous to that, however, mormons and fundamentalists share the same history. When I was reading about the unabridged version of the mormon history, I thought it was a lie. Which is what the mormons teach you. Anything that doesn't include the sun shining out of their leader's ass is considered blasphemy and a load of crap. Hmm. Doesn't that flash a red flag? It didn't for me, at first. But then I thought about it. What did Mr. Krakauer have to gain by lying about the church? He was not religious, but he made it also clear that he was just reporting the facts, in a very ambiguous way. So I trusted him. Everything he said, it made sense to me. It filled in the gaps that are as prevalent in the mormon religion as a hillbilly's smile. As I read about why Joseph was tarred and feathered, why he was even in Carthage Jail, why the mobs were so angry, why Emma tried for so long but then left the church, and about the settling of the pioneers in the West and the Mountain Meadows Massacre, it all started to make sense.
Oh, but it was not easy, no way. It took me a long time to finish that book. I felt betrayed. That is the only word I can use to describe how I felt about my leaders that I had trusted my whole life. The lies that I had believed my whole life. Up until that moment, I just didn't plain like the church, but the leaders could be on their merry way; I thought Joseph and Brigham were good people; and I think aspects of them were. But not very many. What do you do when you find out you were duped your whole life? And the worst part being, what else haven't they told us? I also knew it would be hard to even talk about these things with most people, because they will fight until their dying breath to parrot "the church is true!" like they have been taught since childhood. Since nursery, for crying out loud. People will label you as an 'apostate', which is the worst label you can get from this religion. A one way ticket to hell. Or outer darkness.
I had been doubting for a long time the beliefs and traditions of the church. It seemed like there was always something missing. I dreaded church and bishop meetings. It brings the questions, "How can something that is supposed to make your life happy, make living so miserable? How come Utah is the number one state for depression? How come Utah keeps Prozac in business?" I had an inkling, but I never knew how far the hole had been dug, and then covered. So that was the beginning of one of the biggest shakedowns in my life. Betrayal, anger, disbelief crowded my mind for a long time. After I read the book, (which I really did enjoy, regardless) I stopped thinking about it. Everytime I thought about church, or any church related thing, I got angry and shaky and sick to my stomach. That's the point where most people say they've had enough, but me, I was only just getting started.
10.11.2009
So Mote It Be...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. I almost had a job yesterday, I was so excited, but there were red flags that went up. It was with Vector Marketing. You make your own schedule, the base pay is $15 an hour, plus you can make comission depending on how much of the product you sell. The catch? You have to invest $145 in it, just to begin! Plus the interview was really weird. I should have known it was a scam when the interviewer mentioned "church" and "mission." God. Sketchy religious people! So I'm back to looking for a job on Monday, because everybody takes the freakin weekend off.
In my quest for real spirituality, because religion is too full of man's bullshit to actually find God, I'm going to just try whatever because hey, why not? I know going to church every Sunday and reading the scriptures don't help me find God, but I do believe in prayer. The thing about prayer is, chants and incantations can work the same way. It is pretty much the same thing. I know in mormonism though they say things like that are of the devil, but puh-leese, they think caffeine is a sure ticket to hell. And the sacrament prayers are pretty much a chant anyway- the same words every week! I won't go too much into it here, because it's something that I can talk about all day. But I have been spending time looking up 'spells' on the internet. It's more of the New Age stuff, where candle colors all bring a different energy/meaning, herbs can be used, and it involves meditating and chanting to a higher power (or God, if you will). The thing is, you can pretty much find a spell for anything nowadays. I've been looking up spells to find a job, and to lose weight, and increase fertility. Never too late to start thinking about the future! (In regards to fertility anyway). I don't mess with the spells like making someone fall in love with you, or causing harm to another person, because you will get what you put out into the universe ten-fold. So I don't mess with that. Or calling to the dead. Unless it was someone I knew and trusted. But anyways. I hope they work! I just need to find some colored candles. I don't think the scent matters, as long as the color is right.
Well, I think I will go make a charm bag, and maybe play some Halo, although I usually play with Jessie's mom, and she is asleep right now. And she has church today. Meh. I'll write some more later, and when I do my spells, I'll be sending out love to all you guys. And wishing you all will have good luck in whatever you do. Peace out, hippie style!
In my quest for real spirituality, because religion is too full of man's bullshit to actually find God, I'm going to just try whatever because hey, why not? I know going to church every Sunday and reading the scriptures don't help me find God, but I do believe in prayer. The thing about prayer is, chants and incantations can work the same way. It is pretty much the same thing. I know in mormonism though they say things like that are of the devil, but puh-leese, they think caffeine is a sure ticket to hell. And the sacrament prayers are pretty much a chant anyway- the same words every week! I won't go too much into it here, because it's something that I can talk about all day. But I have been spending time looking up 'spells' on the internet. It's more of the New Age stuff, where candle colors all bring a different energy/meaning, herbs can be used, and it involves meditating and chanting to a higher power (or God, if you will). The thing is, you can pretty much find a spell for anything nowadays. I've been looking up spells to find a job, and to lose weight, and increase fertility. Never too late to start thinking about the future! (In regards to fertility anyway). I don't mess with the spells like making someone fall in love with you, or causing harm to another person, because you will get what you put out into the universe ten-fold. So I don't mess with that. Or calling to the dead. Unless it was someone I knew and trusted. But anyways. I hope they work! I just need to find some colored candles. I don't think the scent matters, as long as the color is right.
Well, I think I will go make a charm bag, and maybe play some Halo, although I usually play with Jessie's mom, and she is asleep right now. And she has church today. Meh. I'll write some more later, and when I do my spells, I'll be sending out love to all you guys. And wishing you all will have good luck in whatever you do. Peace out, hippie style!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
